


Endings and Beginnings

by cosmic_llin



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Angst, Bondage, Drabble Sequence, F/F, Female Friendship, Femslash, Goodbyes, Masturbation, bereavement
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-19
Updated: 2010-05-19
Packaged: 2017-10-09 14:17:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 2,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_llin/pseuds/cosmic_llin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kate Pulaski arrives on the Enterprise at a time when Deanna really needs a friend, and perhaps something a little bit more.</p><p>This was written for the Tarot Challenge on Femslash100 - each drabble relates to a card in the Major Arcana.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fool

She hadn't expected the end to come so soon after the beginning. She'd barely begun to realise the fact of Ian's life before he departed, leaping into the unknown where she couldn't follow. He was too wise to stay, but still he had been her child, running to her for comfort like any other little boy. Things seemed unreal afterwards, and the first things that seemed real again were the hands that had held hers as she discovered her pregnancy, the hands that brought her son into the world. The hands that would pull her back to herself. It was another kind of beginning.


	2. The Magician

Kate Pulaski could do magic. She was keeping it to herself, for the moment. Everyone saw the way Deanna drifted around the ship, not really noticing anything, her face pale and pensive, absent until someone spoke to her, asked something of her. But Kate had discovered a marvellous thing – Deanna's smile. She could make it appear from nowhere. She'd discovered it at one of Deanna's check-ups, when she had dropped her tricorder and sworn, with needless vehemence, at it. Deanna had grinned, sympathetic and amused. After that, Kate did everything she could think of to get it to appear again.


	3. The High Priestess

Kate noticed early on how Deanna would often go to Ten Forward and sit alone, working, reading, just enjoying a hot chocolate. It wasn't as though she didn't have friends to go with, but she liked people to feel they could approach her, talk to her, reap the benefit of her wisdom. More than once Kate observed an anxious-looking crewmember ask to join her, and come away ten minutes later looking much happier about their love life or their career or whatever it was that was bothering them. Deanna was wise enough to know that meeting the High Priestess on your own terms was easier than visiting her temple.


	4. The Empress

Never mind the bridge – Deanna barely saw Kate there, and she seemed hardly at all interested in the day-to-day mission of the ship. Sickbay was her empire. When it came to the health of the crew, she was determined, single-minded. Deanna had several check-ups in the weeks immediately following Kate's arrival, and she witnessed first-hand the way the nursing staff fell in line.

'Did you know,' they whispered to one another, wonderingly, 'she diagnoses without a tricorder? And she won't drink synthehol? Did you hear about what she did to those Tholians?'

Deanna sensed that Kate thought a bit of awe was good for them. And even though she knew it wasn't meant for her, she couldn't help but be rather impressed.


	5. The Emperor

It was probably the first time Kate had been this attracted to someone, but so worried about what to do about it. Deanna was young – oh, old enough, certainly, but still young – and she was sad. She needed somebody. And just because Kate would like to lie with her fingers entwined in that glossy black hair, and look into those eyes, it didn't mean that she was the right somebody. So she hung back a little, tried not to flirt too much. Kept the status quo. If anything was to happen, Deanna would have to be the one to come to her.


	6. The Hierophant

Being empathic is such a large part of Deanna's life that sometimes she forgets that she has other senses. But Kate Pulaski keeps making her remember. The sound of her laughter across Ten Forward, the whispered joke in Deanna's ear during the morning briefing. Her smile. The taste of the chicken soup she brings to Deanna's office one day when she feels run down. Her hands are warm when they clasp Deanna's hands, or pat her on the shoulder. All of these things help Deanna to realise how she feels about Kate, but it's her empathic sense that lets her know the feeling is mutual.


	7. The Lovers

Alone in her quarters, Deanna couldn't sleep.  
It was her own fault, really. She had only intended to brush Kate's mind, softly, see if she was sleeping.  
Kate wasn't sleeping.  
Deanna had withdrawn hurriedly, respecting her friend's privacy, but it was difficult when she knew that Kate was thinking about her, and she knew the kinds of things Kate was thinking about her, and what she was doing, while she thought them.

When Kate opened the door to her quarters, she looked flustered.  
'Deanna... it's two in the morning...'  
Deanna kissed her, hard.  
Neither of them slept much, in the end.


	8. The Chariot

They're discreet about it, but unashamed - they're not teenagers, after all. They're not afraid to walk the corridors in step and arrive at morning briefing together. Nobody notices anyway. It doesn't cross anyone's mind that, in the privacy of the doctor's quarters, the counselor goes down on her until she yelps. Nobody imagines that, beside a window looking out on the stars rushing past, the counselor rushes towards her own orgasm with the doctor's fingers inside her.


	9. Justice

Deanna was in a teasing mood, that day. She played footsie under the table when they took a joint report to the captain, she brushed too close at the bar in Ten Forward, she winked lasciviously on the bridge. Kate spent half her time trying not to break into highly unprofessional laughter.

Nobody got the better of Kate Pulaski for long. The next morning, at the senior staff briefing, she caught Deanna's eye, held her gaze for a moment and imagined as hard as she could what she would like to do to her, were they alone and in possession of some chocolate sauce and a blindfold.

Deanna gasped, and covered it with a cough. She spent the rest of the briefing blushing and looking down at the table.

Justice had been done.


	10. The Hermit

'Five more minutes?' Kate begged from the bed, as Deanna tried to coax her hair into neatness.

'I don't want to be late.'

'It's only a school play, it's not the Andorian Shakespeare Company.'

'Kate, part of my job is to be accessible. I have to show my face at events like this.'

Kate pouted. 'Maybe they'd miss you if you weren't there… but not as much as I'll miss you if you're not here.'

Deanna sighed.

'I dare you,' Kate added.

That did it. Deanna left the mirror and came back to bed. Being accessible could wait.


	11. The Wheel of Fortune

'Will invited me to poker tonight,' Kate mentioned, as they compared patient notes in Deanna's office one afternoon.  
'That's nice! He's decided you're one of us now, then.'  
'I wonder if he'd feel the same way if he knew we were sleeping together?'  
Deanna shrugged. 'It doesn't matter. Will and I... well, I love him, but it's not as though he has a claim on me. You don't have to get his permission or anything.'  
'He won't slug me?'  
'You won't know until you try...'

So when Kate cleaned up at poker that night, she gave Deanna a celebratory kiss. Will didn't say anything. Kate didn't breathe a sigh of relief, but it was a close thing.


	12. Strength

Mostly it wasn't exactly a deep relationship. Not to say that it was superficial – but it was easy. Uncomplicated. They liked one another a lot, they saw one another all the time, but they made no demands, expected no professions of affection.

But just occasionally, at the end of a long day – when the news to impart had been bad, or a patient had made no progress – it was good to have someone there to hold as they sighed out their woes. It was nice to borrow someone's strength for a while.


	13. The Hanged Man

Not for the first time, Kate had been raging about Starfleet bureacracy, the ship's missions getting in the way of her research, emergencies disrupting the care in her sickbay.

'What you need,' said Deanna, when there came a pause, 'is to realise that you can't control every situation.'  
'Why the hell not?'  
Deanna smiled calmly. 'Kate Pulaski does not run the universe. Sometimes it's better for other people to be in charge.'  
'Like who?'  
'Like Deanna Troi.'  
'Ohhhh.'

Kate hadn't quite figured Deanna for that sort of woman, but ten minutes later, tied to the bedposts with silk scarves, she had to admit that she felt a lot better about not being in control.


	14. Death

'I was so sure I was going to die,' Kate said, over coffee in Ten Forward the day after they had left Darwin Station. 'I mean, not even sure like you are when you get shot – sure like I could feel everything slowing down. Ending. There was nothing left.'

Deanna squeezed her hand. 'That's a scary feeling. But you're all right now. You beat it. You're not slowing down.'

'I will, though, one day.'

'But not today,' Deanna smiled. 'Everything ends, Kate. It's the part before the ending that's important. Now that you know what's coming, you can make the most of what you have.'

Kate grinned then, and raised her glass. 'Here's to making the most of what we have.'


	15. Temperance

A quiet day, the travelling phase of a long-range mission. Deanna and Kate sat on the bridge, on either side of the captain.

'Sunshine is good for you, captain,' Kate offered. 'It's scientifically proven.'

He harrumphed. 'It's not real sunshine, it's holographic.'

Deanna jumped in. 'Several studies have concluded that things experienced on the holodeck are processed by the brain as though they were real. So holographic sunshine is good for you too.'

'Then I will go and sit in some holographic sunshine by myself, at a time of my own choosing.'

'Don't you like beach parties, captain?' Kate asked teasingly.

'Will's going to barbecue,' added Deanna. 'He'd be very disappointed if you didn't at least try something.'

'He'll get over it.'

Deanna looked seriously at him. 'Captain, it's very important for the crew to see the captain around the ship. It gives them confidence that all is well.'

'And relaxing in social settings is good for your heart rate,' said Kate.

'My heart is artificial.'

'So is the sunshine,' said Deanna. 'We'll see you there, then, captain?'

And, as one, she and Kate got up and left the bridge, leaving no room for argument. Captain Picard sighed. When they worked together there was no stopping them.


	16. The Devil

Deanna was sensible. She loved chocolate – oh, did she love chocolate – but she knew that it was only an occasional, comforting treat. It wasn't as though she ate it all day.

Still, sometimes her job was stressful, demanding, and she couldn't quite manage to wait until the day was over. So, while she checked over her notes between patients, she would order a small hot chocolate, or a little slice of cake, and make it the centre of her universe for just long enough to give her a kick for the rest of the day.

Which was fine, really, except for the times when the chocolate was not chocolate, but a hurried liaison with Kate. That was probably a bit less sensible.


	17. The Tower

Deanna knew there was something wrong before Kate had finished reading the orders.

'You're leaving, aren't you?' she asked.

Kate nodded. 'We always knew there was a chance Dr Crusher's stint at Starfleet Medical would only be temporary. And it's not as if I don't have my pick of other assignments.'

'It's all right to be sad about it, Kate.'

'Well, I was just getting settled in! And it's the Enterprise, for God's sake! Where do you go from here?'

Deanna smiled warmly. 'You're Kate Pulaski. You go wherever you damn well like.'


	18. The Star

'Making a wish?' Deanna asked, coming to stand by Kate as she looked at the stars from the wide windows in Ten Forward.  
Kate laughed. 'I don't think either of us is really that type,' she said. 'I just like to look.'

She didn't say, I wish I could stay. She didn't say, I wish you would come with me. She didn't mention that for a brief, wild moment she'd considered suggesting they get married so that Starfleet Command would have to prioritise their being assigned together. They were neither of them prepared to make that kind of commitment, that kind of compromise.

So they just held hands as they looked at the stars, and neither of them wished for anything.


	19. The Moon

Deanna is mysterious to the crew, she knows. How could she not be? With her dark eyes, her strange power that seems almost magical, and the cool professional detachment she tries to keep, it's no wonder that people see her as separate, different. It's a little lonely, sometimes.

Not since Kate came. She never had a chance to be mysterious to Kate. It's difficult to appear cool and detached while you are still in your nightdress and undergoing a gynaecological exam. It's _impossible_ to appear cool and detached when, as you're reeling from the unexpected news, the woman doing the examining announces that what you need is a stiff drink (synthehol, of course) and takes you to Ten Forward where, in spite of yourself, you tell her all of your worries.

Deanna isn't sure she wants to go back to being a mystery.


	20. The Sun

Half the crew came to the goodbye party. It was 3am by the time Kate shooed out the last stragglers, Data half-carrying a drunk Worf, and Riker just about managing under his own steam.

'It's not just me who'll miss you,' Deanna said, lightly, as they began to put the cups and plates back into the replicator.

'It was nice that everyone came,' said Kate, 'but I'm glad they've gone now. Let's do that later,' she said, indicating the mess and taking Deanna's hand to lead her towards the bed. They didn't sleep, and they saw the morning in together.


	21. Judgment

'I got my new assignment, by the way,' Kate said, that last morning. 'After I debrief on Earth, I'll be heading a triage deck on a new relief ship – we'll travel wherever the need is greatest.'

'Oh, Kate, that's wonderful,' said Deanna.

Kate nodded. 'Amazing as it's been on the Enterprise, it's so rare that anyone here really needs my help. This way I can make a difference.'

Deanna put her arms around her. 'You made a difference here,' she said.

Only the two of them would ever know how much she meant it.


	22. The World

Deanna went down on the shuttle with Kate.

'I know you don't like goodbyes,' she'd said. 'But I do. At least, I like them better than nothing at all.'

Kate understood.

'It was a good year, wasn't it?' Kate asked, as they stood in the sunny grounds of Starfleet Headquarters. 'On the whole?'

'I can't think of many better,' Deanna said. It was true in spite of everything.

They kissed, briefly, and then Kate was gone. Deanna watched her as she walked away.

It was sad, of course. But it was all right. Even the hardest endings were beginnings too.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Endings and Beginnings](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10418775) by [idellaphod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idellaphod/pseuds/idellaphod)




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